Question. The meaning of life, Donuts, 3 2-way conversations, John Locke, Works/Faith, Abortion, fingerpicking, and Saosin’s “You’re Not Alone.” What do they all have in common? Besides that. Bingo. No, not bingo. You probably didn’t guess it. I was attempting to reason through all of them tonight. Yeah. ‘Cause I’m awesome like that. Well, in the process of getting my brain focused to think through it all, Something hit me. Yep. Hit me. Ever been hit in the skull by a baseball bat? Me neither. But because I have been hit in the head before (Shut up, Tadd and Bob) I know the sensation. And now, I have spend over 100 words talking about nothing besides the fact that I’m going to talk about something.
I felt that I had to write this down someplace where I wouldn’t forget it, and soon. This is just huge. Atleast to me.
I was thinking, and all of a sudden one of the people I was talking to mentioned something to me. I forget what it was, and don’t really remember the exact quote, and am too lazy to go find it. Whatever it was, it triggered some old memories, and the realization that some of the core beliefs I adhere to… are wrong, and possibly revealed my greatest weakness to me fully. BadaBAM! I stole that. BadaBAM! But it’s fun. So anyway… Basically the train of thought went like this, beginning with the premise, “No friendship is forever. They all fade away with time.” Don’t protest me yet. From there we go to “If friendships hurt when they end, why make them at all? Why not break away from all those around me now and save the trouble?” Hold it back… “Wait a minute, that ain’t right.” (I’m southern, shaddup.) “Why do I think like that? Who says that’s true? What does that even mean? That’s stupid.” Aha. The question, “Why do I think like that?” Resonates in my head. “I don’t believe that, do I?” to “Yes. I do.” to “No I don’t! I hate that! I no longer believe that, and don’t know why I did before!” Great. Another battle in my head resolved. Wait… Battle? No no no. I gotta win the war. Find the source and fix it. Either that or kill it. Whichever works best. “What’s the source of this terrible reasoning?” “Your own mind.” “What?” “Exactly.” As you can see, I suffer from Schizophrenia. Suffer is an interesting word… it’s someone to talk to. Anyway. Howabout a dialogue?
Curious Me: What do you mean, me?
Cynical Me: I mean it comes from your own head.
Curious: My head? But where’d my head get it from?
Cynical: Think about it. Just your head.
Curious: So I came up with it on my own?
Cynical: You tell me.
Curious: This isn’t a movie, stop being so dramatic.
Cynical: Oh yeah. But it’s fun.
Curious: So then… how did I come to this conclusion? Why did it come to this? Why wasn’t I stopped from this?
Cynical: You weren’t stopped. You thought you could do it. You refused to be stopped.
Curious: So… then… my own independence brought this about.
Cynical: You’re getting there.
Curious: Not just this sad conclusion. There are others, aren’t they?
Cynical: Bingo. But there’s hope. You’re clinging to all the friends you’ve got. You’re acting on your gut. Keep doing that.
Curious: What if my gut’s wrong?
Cynical: Well, your head sure isn’t right. Use it as a guide, but rely on your gut to tell you when something’s wrong.
Curious: Got it. So that’s how I win the war?
Cynical: Yes. But you forget the crucial detail in this.
Curious: The Crucial Detail?
Cynical: Your weakness was that you relied on your own strength. It’ll fail you again.
Curious: My friends. I need to use them to help.
Cynical: Yep.
Curious: Oh.
Cynical: Hahaha, good luck.
Curious: Bring it on. So why are you dressed like a Mob Boss?
Cynical: It’s fun
Curious: Gotcha.
So there you have it. My unwillingness to lean on somebody, my greatest weakness, that has caused me to believe lies for so long, exposed. I never asked questions about life when I was young. I thought I could do it on my own. I hope I’m not too confident in this. But this I think is the truth. The truth that I’ve been praying for.
And to my friends, anyone that I’ll stop and say Hi to in the hallway. I’m so sorry for underestimating you for so long. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you won’t think I’m being selfish in this, and if you do think that, please tell me. You can lean on me too. We’re all in the together. Please?
